Wednesday, January 4

fessing up about food n fears.

 I bought a gym pass a few weeks ago, and have been working out regularly.
   It feels great, and the gym here in Chetty is lovely and huge. Plus I have been going in the sauna and then treading water for a few minutes to cool off and then finishing it all with a soak in the hot tub. Between that and cutting way back on how much food I'm consuming when I'm not hungry, I've managed to lose 8 lbs!!! Needless to say I'm very excited. I couldn't believe it when I stepped on the scale and I wasn't in the 140-150 range. 
 It's been an interesting journey. Making myself stop and think before chowing down on whatever was at hand when I became frustrated/irritated/bored/stressed.
Also going into the pool and having to wear a bathing suit has helped changed my perspective on my body. For some reason I see myself as heavy. Not fat, but heavier then I want to be. But lately I've realized this is skewed. I may not be thin when I compare myself to my younger sisters, but I need to realized that my curves don't make me fat. That being said I did take my measurements recently, which was slightly depressing, because I was hoping for smaller numbers. But I am trying to take into account, that I haven't been taking proper care of my body, and it took time to get where I am, and it will take time to arrive at my goal.

While finishing my workout in the pool recently, I was digging deeper into my thoughts. I realized I am afraid of a few things. Normally I would tell you that I'm not afraid of anything. End of discussion. Which is true in the physical sense. I don't fear bad guys, wild animals, walking in the dark. or even death. But I do fear emotional things. 
  • Like making the wrong choice
  • Letting people down (Boss, parents, people in authority over me)
  • Losing my parents and siblings
  • That people may not like me, if they really knew me. (this one stems from suffering rejection and believing the lies I've been told about myself) 
It was very freeing to admit this to myself. That they don't have to rule my life, because some of them are things I can't control and some are things I'm going to do either way and I can't live second guessing myself constantly.

1 comment:

Rudee said...

Congratulations on both the weight loss plan and the self realization. Keep up those positive affirmations. Eventually a better voice--your own--will sink into your brain.