Thursday, December 1


  This is the first time I've lived all  by myself in my whole life. (I did have my own "place for a month or two when I was 18, but my aunt lived in the next building) It is so strange. I am not lonely yet. But I find myself feeling bored. Which is akin to a swear in our family. You never utter it, because if you did, Mom always found work for you to do. So even to admit that I'm bored when I am not working feels strange.
  I find I am filling my time with catching up on TV shows and knitting, chatting, wasting time on facebook games, reading and thinking about baking & quilting.
  I hate moving to a new place, because it feels like I just get all my baking supplies amassed and then I am moving and giving them away, or trying to use them up quickly. Lately I've been craving cookies, biscuits, cake, pie.. All the things I'm trying to avoid.   

Newie Poutine.

 Which leads me to realize that I'm eating out of boredom and or self medicating with food. I recently read a book called Women, Food & God. *link is fixed, Thanks Ben!  It was very thought provoking and I don't agree with her ideas about God.
 It made me realized that I have a hard time sitting down and eating. I eat in the car, or while I at the computer, while I watch a show, or standing by the counter. I feel the need to be in a constant state of movement. So I am very slowly trying to break that habit so that I can stop eating when I am full, because right now I am compeletly missing the signals. The end result of that is weighing 147 lb at last weigh in. Which to me is really heavy, because I'm used to being somewhere around 127-135 and I'm tried of hearing but you look great. When I know that my chest and stomach are covered in more layers of fat then nesscessary. Part of my issues stem from not having the will power to work out, mostly because my emotional state is numb and I enjoy food and why can't I indulge in the one thiing that I lovee that won't leave me.
  After camp was done (end of August) and everyone went home, Loren was still there with me. It was so lovely to have a roomie. We entertained one another, took trips into Chetty to visit the library and spend hours playing wheel of fortune together. I even had the motivation to cook, because I knew someone else would enjoy it. To be honest I HATE cooking, it feels like work. Although this summer when I was cooking as Head Cook and it was my job, I enjoyed it :P 
  I have this attitude about things that aren't work but feel like work to me. I avoid them like the plague. Thus the reason I shut my blog down for the summer. I enjoy writing but I didn't want the self inflicted preesure of having to post at least once a week. Now it no longer feels like work, but a way of communicating with all my long distances friends.

 So on that note I'm off to work out at the gym!

Thanks for reading.


Ruth said...

I know all about emotional eating...its good that your so honest (with your self most importantly) and with others because it may be the push they need to get help...I hope the new year brings you peace and happiness and skinny jeans lol

Benjamin Davidson said...

I know you said you hate it, but I feel compelled to tell you that you do look wonderful. At the same time I'm certainly 100% in support of your fitness efforts! Be proud of it!

I find resisting food much easier, but then, I'm not a very good cook, and I'm especially inexperienced with desserts. Maybe I should keep it that way...

I find if funny that you say you hate cooking, because it's a lot like work, except when it really was work, then you didn't mind it... I feel like there must be some way to exploit these feelings of yours to your advantage? Anything else that you don't like to do, that you could get a job doing and suddenly enjoy?

Or I could just hire you to do all MY cooking. Sounds like a win-win to me :D

Oh, wait a second. Your Women, Food & God link leads to the Wikipedia page on boredom?! Ha ha ha, what could you be trying to tell us there? I don't know, I find I'm probably the most engaged and excited when I'm eating good food, chatting with attractive women about God and life's big questions... but I'm not sure I could tie a conversation together around food and God, so maybe it is boring... hmm...

Anonymous said...

Totally get that whole avoiding things that feel like work.....The gym is that for me. I would rather take a class with a friend, "work" is so much easier to do when you have good company or people who appreciate it:) Also Bored was bad word in our house too, soon as you started to say it mom had the toilet brush ready .
Bobbie P

Anonymous said...

just write when you have something to write.... it never works for me either to set some rules for blogging! and don't feel guilty if you don't write, either. just be you. <3


HollyElise said...

*hugs* I have the eating-while-moving, never-heeding-the-full-signals problem too.
Really trying to get a handle on it!!